I feel so weird being back at this space.

My last post was when I just started my first full time job after uni.

4 years later, now

I am on my second full time job. I moved to another bank about 1 month ago.

and I have broken up 2 and a half years into the relationship. 

I am seeing someone new for awhile now.

I am not sure should this post be just about my current love life or my life as a whole...

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Lately, whenever I'm feeling emotional, my thoughts would be jumbled and i make no sense LOL

So sometimes, whoever I am talking to, might get confused and just see saliva flying while i vomit my words. Probably it will be the same in writing but I guess what matters is how this outlet helps me to better understand myself and let me release some steam/stress.

Sometimes, I look back and I just can't believe how far i came.

4 years ago, young and dumb. (am still kinda dumb but no longer young) happened to land a not so bad job, earn my first full time salary, met my 1st bf and opened my eyes to the dark side of society in some ways.

Usually I don't judge or I try not to because I understand everyone is different and so their mindset/values are different. But, when it comes to people around me...

It gets surreal that all the stories or tv show scenarios really do happen in real life.

Which kind of scares me, that the world I live in is not filled with unicorns and rainbows. 

Even though it is a process of growing up, i think the stress/unhappiness/experiences kind of took a toll on my mental health. I always tell myself, nahhh, I am ok, I am strong and I am perfectly healthy. I am just thinking too much. Probably everyone is mental like me, just the difference in extent.

Just HOW mental? Not really mental illness.

I realised that I am not strong nor perfect at all. Not even close. 

I feel like I don't understand myself and I failed. Did I not 'recover' or grow up properly?

Did something go wrong while I was growing up?  Is this truly the process of growing up?

Why did I even let myself feel this way. But it just cannot be helped.

How is someone supposed to understand me when I don't myself.

I get really stressed up about it and lose sleep. What if someone doesn't accept me for who I am.

What if I can't accept the person's experience and yet I don't know what is the right way to react.

These are the many struggles that i face.

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Last night I lost sleep again.

Dating someone new is literally NEW to me.

I was late to the dating scene cause of  'strict'/overprotective household.

Is that a disadvantage? Did I lose my chances to be exposed to difference? Would I be more accepting now if I have had those experiences younger?

Now that I think about it, or maybe I am not suitable for dating?

I lose feelings too fast when I meet people that I am not that into.

When I meet someone I am into, I get attached too fast and get hurt in the end.

But I was, for the most part, hopeful that I would find someone who is meant for me.

meant for me may not be suitable for me...?

Modern dating is really confusing and frustrating.

So much worries, thoughts and planning invested but is it necessary?

Why. There will still be uncertainty no matter how well planned it is.

I am just really upset and I worry about the uncertainty so much but I still always brush it off.

then when i least expects it, everything just come rushing to me. Those moments are really unbearably painful.

I don't expect anyone to help me because it is not anyone else's responsibility for my mental health and happiness? There is only so much someone else can do for me.

It is my choice to be emotional and be unhappy.

Should I learn to control my feelings or should I just let it be naturally?

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I think I used up my writing juice for today and I don't have anymore to write. The feels gone.

I shall come back here again. 

Bye.